98. Poor Work Cultures and Trauma Bonding With Your Colleagues

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Amazing thought leaders. And then some solo episodes from myself as well.

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Hello and welcome to the solo episode of the Ways to Change Your Workplace podcast with your host, me, Prina Shah. And today I want to talk to you about poor work cultures and trauma bonding with your colleagues. And you know, in today's fast-paced and competitive work environments, it's very common for individuals to spend more time with their colleagues during the day than they do with their own families. And this can create a unique dynamic where employees form deep connections with their co-workers, often referred to as workplace families. So you've heard about people having work wives or work husbands, all of that kind of stuff. And while a positive work culture can foster a sense of belonging and support, a toxic work environment can lead to what is called trauma bonding among colleagues. And that's what I want to talk to you about in this episode. So we're going to explore the concept of trauma bonding in the context of poor work cultures, and I want to discuss the impacts about trauma bonding on individuals as well as on organizations. So the impact of poor work cultures, there's so many. Increased stress levels due to long working hours, due to high pressure environments, due to lack of a work-life balance. Emotional exhaustion, and that can be due to constant criticism or micromanagement. Emotional exhaustion could be due to a lack of recognition and appreciation. And emotional exhaustion could be due to bullying and harassment that you may well be facing. Then the other effect of poor work cultures is decreased productivity and engagement. So people have a lack of motivation and enthusiasm. They just don't give a shit. There's presentedism, people are there, but not really there. There's high turnover rates, and there's a negative impact on team dynamics. And I've come across all of this myself, and I help organizations to turn it around, which is why I wanted to do a podcast specifically on poor work cultures and trauma bonding. So let's try and understand trauma bonding a little bit more. I want to share some definitions with you, and then I'm gonna go into characteristics of trauma bonding. So, a definition of trauma bonding. I've been researching this. I love geeking out, as you know. So, trauma bonding refers to a psychological phenomenon where individuals develop a strong emotional attachment to those who have caused them harm or have been involved in traumatic experiences together. So I'm talking more to the latter. I'm not talking about Stockholm syndrome or anything like that. That's another podcast, man. Oh my gosh, that also happens in the workplace. But here I'm talking about trauma bonding in the sense of sharing traumatic experiences together, and that's where we bond. It is a form of unhealthy bonding that occurs as a result of intermittent reinforcement of positive and negative experiences. And oh my god, from my corporate days, I can tell you I've got many a fucking trauma bond. I'll go into that later, maybe. In the context of workplace trauma bonding, that can occur when employees form strong connections with colleagues who contribute to a positive work culture within the toxic environment. So these bonds often involve feelings of loyalty, dependence, and we have a shared sense of adversity. We got through it, you know, that kind of stuff. So that's trauma bonding 101 defined. But let me talk about some characteristics of trauma bonding now. There's a thing which is emotional dependency on our colleagues, and when we've gone through trauma, we really do that. So imagine a ship crew that constantly faces dangerous and challenging situations at sea. Despite their captain's abusive behavior, the crew members develop a strong emotional attachment to each other due to the shared adversity that they experience. They become dependent on each other for support, even though the captain's actions are harmful. This analogy illustrates how trauma bonding can occur in a toxic work environment where employees form strong connections with their colleagues despite the negative impact on their well-being. It's a sense of looking after each other and looking after yourself. Now, you also have shared experiences of adversity. So shared experiences of adversity in the workplace can include various challenging situations that employees go through together. Here are some examples. Things such as high pressure projects. When a team is working on a project with tight deadlines, significant responsibilities, and high stakes, you might face intense pressure and stress collectively. This is a shared experience of adversity that can create a bond amongst team members, and you can have you know a bit of a hurrah moment like we got through it in the end. But if this is a repeat kind of behavior pattern for yourselves, it's unhealthy and it's wrong and it's not right for you. Other examples where challenging situations uh enable uh trauma bonding. Office politics. Dealing with office politics can be emotionally draining and challenging for all of us. If colleagues face similar situations where they have to navigate complex power dynamics, backstabbing, or favoritism, they might bond over these shared experiences of adversity. Another way people can bond through trauma at a workplace is when we have restructures, reorganizations or layoffs when you lose a job. So when a company goes through reorganizations or layoffs, it can cause uncertainty, fear, and stress among employees. I have seen that many a time. And going through difficult times together can create a sense of camaraderie and a shared understanding within a team or a department. Another example of trauma bonding at work is when we have challenging clients or customers. I remember my days in HR. Oh my gosh, I can relate to this one. So in customer-facing roles, employees may encounter difficult or demanding clients or customers. If colleagues frequently deal with challenging interactions and share stories or strategies to handle these situations, they can develop a bond based on these shared experiences of adversity. And then discrimination or harassment. Unfortunately, it still happens a lot. Some workplaces may have instances of discrimination and harassment. And employees who experience or witness such behavior can develop a strong bond as they navigate challenging circumstances together and therefore provide support to one another. Now think about yourself. Have you experienced this? I can guarantee sometime in your career you really have. So it's important to know that while shared experiences of adversity can contribute to trauma bonding, it's also crucial to address and mitigate toxic work cultures rather than to normalize or justify this harmful behavior. One thing I've seen in really shitty work cultures is that this harmful behavior is normalized and people protect themselves or you know get through their crappy work day because of these trauma bonds that you have created. Now, like I've repeatedly said, that's unhealthy and that's not right for you. So, what are the signs of trauma bonding? I'm gonna go into that now. Signs of trauma bonding can be difficulty setting boundaries with your colleagues. Are you friends or are you friendly? There's a differentiation, so your boundaries are blurred. Another sign of trauma bonding is you have a feeling of or a sense of loyalty towards your co-workers, and especially sometimes your toxic co-workers. So now I'm going into Stockholm Syndrome, and even though this is happening, you're still loyal to your workplace, and then you can get into a loop of rationalizing and excusing people's work behavior. I've seen this many a time. When I've been coaching leaders, or when I've been uh addressing poor work cultures as a consultant, I've asked people why they've actually put up with this. Yes, there's valid reasons such as you know, I can't get a job immediately, blah blah blah. But for those people who stayed long term and haven't decided to move on or act on their you know issues, people tend to rationalize and excuse this shitty behavior. That's wrong. So there's a cycle of trauma bonding, people tend to idealize and bond. You know, we are together, we are all in it as one. There's a devaluation and mistreatment of people, but then there can be periods of calm and reconciliation. So talk about bad relationships 101. We've heard about this, and I want to go into the consequences of trauma bonding now because it's really important for not only yourself to know about this, but workplaces to really consider the consequences of trauma bonding on their employees. If you truly give a shit about your employees, then really you need to consider this. So, the first and foremost one, we all know about it, is the negative impact on mental health. People have increased anxiety and depression, it can lead to low self-esteem and low self-worth. And I have seen this unfortunately so much with people, and it's really difficult for people to break out of this low self-esteem and low self-worth cycle. It is awful. It is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Honestly, so then there's a stagnation and lack of growth, there's a fear of leaving the toxic work environment. There's something really weird that happens to people where they feel that this behavior is normalized and that it's okay. And if I leave, oh my gosh, it might happen again, and you overthink it, and therefore you stay where you are. And then there's often limited opportunities for personal and professional development for emotion for people who are stuck in trauma bonds, and that's because people are feeling trapped and powerless. You feel like you have no control, you feel like you have no mastery over anything. Then the worst case, the worst case stuff that I've seen in relation to trauma bonding and poor work cultures is that toxicity spreads across the organization. So here now we're talking about emotional contagion, and yeah, I think of COVID and the way that it fucking spread across the world world, so can your trauma bonding. So, what is that? Toxicity spreads across the organization, and that results in negative impacts on team morales, decreased collaboration and innovation across your organization, therefore creating more silos. You know, if you know a team is really awful with that awful leader or that awful person within a team, you don't want to touch them. Why the hell would you want to collaborate with them? Why the hell would you want to innovate with them? And then the biggest thing, you know, is difficulty attracting and retaining your top talent. So your relationships are defined by trauma, and you might have statements like, if we don't laugh, we'll cry. We're all in this together. I know the workplace is toxic, but I can't imagine leaving. We've been through so much together. Other people I've heard say it's tough, but I feel a strange loyalty to my team, though the environment is unhealthy. I've heard people say that I keep hoping that things will get better, that they'll appreciate my dedication and my hard work eventually. No, they won't. I've heard others say, even though my manager is demanding, I can't help but feel a sense of responsibility towards them. And here we're talking about that hierarchy and the fact that we still respect our managers because of some kind of crazy conditioning, even though these managers are toxic and crazy in this example. I've heard others say, despite the stress, I can't envision myself anywhere else. We've but we've become sort of a dysfunctional family. These are red flags, these are alert signs. I've heard others say, I know I'm not happy, but leaving would feel like abandoning this ship. We've weathered so much together. This is trauma bonding at a classic level. And then I've heard people say, I've invested so much time and energy into this workplace, it feels like it's a part of me. Remember though, trauma is not a part of you. We should never ever have trauma repeatedly. It is wrong. So, how can we break free from trauma trauma bonding? We have to recognize the signs. You have to self-reflect and be introspective. What has your role been in this? How you enabled it? Have you looked at your relationship patterns to see personally if this is a normal kind of behavior uh pattern for you when it comes to trauma? You bond with others clearly and clingily. Do you seek support from trusted friends and family? And have you consulted with a therapist or a counsellor? It's really important to do so. And I know a lot of workplaces offer you know free sessions of counselling. Take it. Oh my gosh. When I worked in HR and I used to manage the um contract for our counsellors where we used to give free private counselling to our employees, I used to get a report every three months. High-level report, no names mentioned, completely confidential. But the report outlined the themes of the counselling. Oh my fucking god, that was really eye-opening. A lot of it did relate to trauma bonding, and I used to use that data from that report to really feed back into the kind of work that I did with optimizing my organizational culture to really look at the root causes of these toxic pockets within you know the workplace I was at. So if you are not consulting a specialist therapist or a counsellor and you are going through trauma of some sort and you've recognized all of these trauma bonding sites, please do something about it. Get a professional to help you. The other things that you can do is to set boundaries and identify and communicate your personal limits. You have to say no to unreasonable requests, and you have to establish a healthy work-life integration. I'm not talking about work-life balance, I'm beyond that. You're a human, you work, and you have a life, and you need to integrate the two. So, how are you going to do that? The other thing you need to do is to seek a supportive work environment. Research company cultures before accepting future job offers. Talk to people who are already working there. Look at things such as glassdoor.com, where people really talk about their organization. And if you're in Australia, look at seek.com.au and they have uh company reviews. Please look at that before you apply for any job. Talk to your network about that leader or that other job that you're going for. The other big tip I have is networking and connecting with professionals in the industry. So, one thing I really noticed is once I started to expand my network, you know who's who. You will find out the truth before you even have to apply for any other jobs. And ideally, it will stop you from getting burnt from that poor toxic work culture perspective. And last but not least, you are amazing and you are important. So please prioritize your mental health and well-being in the workplace before anything else. So, to conclude, trauma bonding in work cultures does have a detrimental impact on individuals and your organizational cultures. So, by recognizing the signs of trauma bonding and taking proactive steps to break free from toxic relationships, individuals can prioritize their mental health and well-being. Additionally, organizations must foster a supportive work environment that promotes positive relationships and encourages personal and professional growth. Together, we can create a better work culture that prioritizes the overall well-being of employees. If you need any help in improving your workplace culture or addressing any toxic team issues, then let me know. My details are in the show notes, and I will see you in the next episode.